Re: One liners: Enough in here to upset everyone at least once!
Another Chad knee-slapper
An old man in Arkansas was sitting on his front porch
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
The old man yells "You fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30
chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and
he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old
man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck
tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat!"
Re: One liners: Enough in here to upset everyone at least once!
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar... Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But - you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Re: One liners: Enough in here to upset everyone at least once!
This blond walks into a bar. Goes up to the bartender and says..."Give me your best bottle of Champagne and 6 glasses."
The bartender looks around, sees only her and thinks to himself, ehh, she is a blond..it makes sense. So he gives her a bottle of Dom Perignon and 6 glasses. The blond finds a table with six seats and sits down..muttering to herself...61 days...61 days...
Now here comes another blond into the same bar, sees her friend sitting at the table, and she runs to her, and sits. The blond pops the cork and pours her and the other blond a drink..they both whisper softly...61 days..61 days...
Two more blonds come in, sit down and get a drink and now getting louder..they are laughing chanting 61 days 61 DAYS!
Bartender is dumbfounded...but chalks it up to them being blond. Until....
The final two blonds walk in together and see their friends. They sit down together, all get a drink, clink their glasses and before they drink, the final blond that came in brings out a framed picture of the Cookie Monster. They all ROAR LAUGHING YELLING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS!!!! 61 DAYS 61 DAYS!!!!
The bartender has had enough. He strolls over to the celebrating women and asks..."I can understand you are celebrating something, but when you brought out the picture of the Cookie Monster, then yelled out 61 DAYS, 61 DAYS!!! I had to ask..What is that all about?"
5 of the ladies look at the final Blond who stands up, looks the barkeep in the eye and states, "We blonds are sick and tired of people always thinking we are stupid and dimwitted. So we 6 set out to prove them wrong. We went and bought this puzzle of the Cookie Monster that said on the box 3-5 years...and it only took us....ready girls....SIXTY ONE DAYS!!!!"
2007 Audi A4 2.0t Quattro
North America Team PHD Coordinator
Team 'Nutz
Re: One liners: Enough in here to upset everyone at least once!
Some of these jokes were funny and some were not but none of them evenly remotely upset me.
I disagree with liberals/progressives/marxists (LPM's), therefore I am trolling. I disagree politically with pretty much everything that comes out of Obama's mouth, therefore I am a racist. Hmm ... easy to see who sees the world in black and white terms.
Re: One liners: Enough in here to upset everyone at least once!
"Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."-Betty White
Re: One liners: Enough in here to upset everyone at least once!
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