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Discussion Starter #1
Before we got married, my wife and I talked about it and we both wanted to have 2 kids. Maybe 3, if the first 2 were of the same gender. Well we had a girl and then a boy, so I thought we were done. But when our son got to be about 2yrs old, she really started pushing for a 3rd. I was very surprised becuz that wasn't what we had talked about. I didn't really want to have a 3rd, but she still wanted it after several months of talking about it. Obviously it was very important to her, so I agreed.

Our 3rd was a girl. When she got to be about 2yrs old, my wife started talking about having a 4th. Immediately it seemed to me like an instant replay of what happened w/ our 3rd, and I'm much more resistant this time. It's been going on for about 6 months now and she's getting more and more insistent about it. I think she resents me for not giving her something she wants really bad, and I know that I'm starting to resent her for continuing to bother me about it even after I already gave her a 3rd kid.

Any thoughts or similar experiences?
 

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I personally think you are right on this one. I could see her point if you only had one child but you already have 3. Each child is a huge responsibility and not just financially. There's nothing at all wrong with not wanting a fourth. She should respect your wishes.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
From a logical standpoint, it really isn't even a question. It's purely an emotional want for her, but that being said, it's something she really, really wants. But it's also something I really, really don't want -- purely for logical reasons. Given these opposing elements, u can see why it's become such a conflict.
 

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Well that's a personal decision for you. As for me, I wouldn't even question my thoughts about it if I already had 3 and didn't want another.
 

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Is she a stay-at-home mom? It could honestly be as simple as a hormones or postpartum depression. If your resistance is being ignored, then I believe you would need to start looking at what is really going on with her.
Totally agree. It could be something serious. Hopefully not but better safe than sorry
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Our youngest is 2.5yrs old, so she's well past the post-partum depression/hormones stage.

But I do think it's related to the fact that she's been a stay-at-home mom for the last 9yrs. Since our 1st was born, she's always had a kid to stay home w/ and take care of all day. Our youngest will start pre-school in the fall, and I think she's worried about feeling lonely w/o a kid around all day. I did suggest to her that she could go back to work part-time, but that did not appeal to her at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Just adopt me, I wipe my own ass!
Ok, but if I catch u breast-feeding, I will spank your ass black and blue! :D

Marriage is a give and take but sometimes you have to put your foot down. Having a baby because you might be bored seems like craziness to me
Me too! Which is why this has been going on for 6 months...
 

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I’ve read several books on “confrontation” such as Difficult Conversations and I’ve put them to practice in business. Essentially, the sooner you address a difficult conversation and the underlying issues, the better off you’ll be, both of you.

My suggestion is to take some time without the kids somehow, someway as this needs to be addressed without interruption, at least initially. Get a white board or cards where you can put the pros and cons down on paper. Acknowledge her concerns and put them down on paper. Use a lot of “WE” when discussing the issue such as it would be selfish of us to take on this burden, which will affect our entire family. Unless you’re very well off, you’ll have a hard enough time with the 3 kids you have in terms of high school and college costs. I have twin 16 year olds and it is amazing the costs that come up that I never expected such as a trip to Taiwan because my daughter is taking Chinese. Or my son going to band competitions or wanting to go to Germany as part of a study abroad program. Not to mention the monthly costs for the entire family’s martial arts classes. With 4 kids, you may have to limit such activities or limit other activities like vacations. Did i mention my kids are 16? I’m having a lot of fun getting them vehicles. And then there is your retirement. If you’re not able to put some money aside for retirement, you likely won’t live as long and won’t be there for your kids when they’re grown up and have grandkids. Unfortunately, the way the health care and Social Security systems are going, seniors probably won’t live as long without additional retirement benefits.

One thing you cannot have continue is this issue under the surface that isn’t being addressed but is most definitely affecting both of you, which means it is also affecting your kids. Don’t kid yourselves into thinking this isn’t affecting the kids in some way, you two likely aren’t that good and your kids aren’t that stupid. So one thing you can and should do is prepare some of the pros and cons and be honest with yourself too, which means putting some positives in her column. But ultimately, you both need to come to the mutual decision to not have kid; or to have another but I can’t imagine that being the result of a pros and cons. Also, try to find a carrot you can use to get her to change her mind. What about a family vacation to Hawaii or Alaska instead? Maybe it wouldn't be that simple but try to come up with some alternative that at least interests her since “she is losing” her chance to have another kid. Or say that is something you’ve been thinking about but if we have another kid, you won’t be able to do that anytime soon.
 

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I just had this conversation with my wife. I'm not interested in more children. We have two. We've been together 18 years. I told her if she's dead set on it then she would have to find another guy. I told her I would understand. And I meant it. I would not have liked it. I told her if she's just bored get a hobby. She at least accepted my answer and moved on. There's been a light mention here and there but nothing serious.
 

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.... I told her if she's just bored get a hobby. She at least accepted my answer and moved on. There's been a light mention here and there but nothing serious.
The hobby makes sense.
Well if the OP's Haus-boss's sense of god given purpose is raising children, then she has no purpose and no reason for being if she is not birthing.

(It is statistically worse if she was raised Mormon or Catholic.)
 

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Men think logically whereas women think emotionally; unfortunately. Can't live with em, can't live without em. It's a struggle I tell ya unless you are one of those few fortunate men to acquire a well balanced woman. My thoughts on this topic may offend some people here and that's not my intention so I'll reserve those thoughts.

Lets just say I don't believe in the so called mantra of 'happy wife happy life' nor do I believe in giving a woman everything she asks for.
 

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I’m with dgage and having a clear focused discussion between you and your wife.

Find out why specifically she wants a fourth child. Voice why you specifically do not want a 4th.

Given both sides see where the compromise can be met.

Of course it’s all easier said than done. But I think if you you find out WHY she is pushing for a 4th you can more easily find an outlet or solution to satisfy that desire.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Essentially, the sooner you address a difficult conversation and the underlying issues, the better off you’ll be, both of you.
We've already had several conversations about it. And as we went thru her reasons and looked at them logically, they all fell apart. Like I said, from a logical standpoint, it's not even a question. It really boils down to her strong emotional want to have another kid.

Well if the OP's Haus-boss's sense of god given purpose is raising children, then she has no purpose and no reason for being if she is not birthing.
It seems like that's the mindset that she's developed over the last couple of years. And it's strange, becuz that was not her mindset earlier in our relationship. We dated for 4yrs and were married for 3yrs before we started trying to have a kid, so it's not like she was in a huge rush to be a mom. But now that she is a mom, she really enjoys it and that's why she wants another kid.

Men think logically whereas women think emotionally; unfortunately. Can't live with em, can't live without em. It's a struggle I tell ya unless you are one of those few fortunate men to acquire a well balanced woman.

Lets just say I don't believe in the so called mantra of 'happy wife happy life' nor do I believe in giving a woman everything she asks for.
She's more logical that most women I've known. And on the rare occassion when she does go off on an emotional rant, she can see and accept the logic in my counter-argument. But having another kid seems to be so important to her that it's beyond logic.

I don't agree w/ that saying either... I prefer "horny wife happy life" :p

Given both sides see where the compromise can be met.

Of course it’s all easier said than done. But I think if you you find out WHY she is pushing for a 4th you can more easily find an outlet or solution to satisfy that desire.
There's not a lot of room for compromise here -- u can't have 1/2 a kid! The why is simple -- she likes being at home and taking care of a kid. She finds it deeply satisfying and fulfilling. Trying to find a hobby or part-time job to replace it is tough. Maybe she could work at a daycare... although that might backfire if it reminds her that she wants another that's she not going to get.
 

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Another prospective that she needs to consider is the development of the first three kids and the options that close down for them due to to another sibling . These are after things like individual school activities such as sports , Dance, swimming , music etc.
Perhaps her focus need to change from having babies to move of a nurturing role for the exisiting kids.
The first 6 years of a child has the greatest impact on their ability to cope with life and build the resilience they need for later life.
The most resilient children tend to be the 1st borne , can play music and speak 2 or more languages and are more likely to become future leaders, CEOs etc.
The least resilient tends to be that later siblings with child number 5 statistically being the ones most likely to end up in prison.
I’m blessed with 1 child , my wife stayed at home mainly and does a combo of volunteer work, works part time to keep up her accountancy skills up and importantly has plenty of quality time for our only child. ( no options to have further children)
I notice with our wider family the ones with four kids the children are constantly competing for there parents attention to the point of being problematic at times. They are limited with what after school options they have after school and are limited to one development opportunities as a result due to the logistics and ages
.My child on the other has is doing ballet, sports and swimming lesions on any given week which wouldn’t be possible if she has 3 more siblings.
one way of looking at having another child is does the wife and yourself will effectively have less time to teach, nurture, play with your exisiting children, and may create a greater burden on the older children to look after their siblings and take on role as parent.
Is your wife being fair to them and has she seriously thought of what she could do more of for current children.
Then there are finance choices with children’s education and activities depending on household incomes.
You have quiet a quandary but perhaps an approach is to do a family plan , work out what is important for your three children and yourselves, overlay it with a financial plan and see if number 4 has an impact on the first 3.
 

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I just had this conversation with my wife. I'm not interested in more children. We have two. We've been together 18 years. I told her if she's dead set on it then she would have to find another guy. I told her I would understand. And I meant it. I would not have liked it. I told her if she's just bored get a hobby. She at least accepted my answer and moved on. There's been a light mention here and there but nothing serious.
Damn, that’s tuff! I know it’s a serious situation but this made me lol and my eyes watered just a little. There’s no adequate counter for a comment like that.
 
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